WARNING: This diet is guaranteed to shed friends, patience, and possibly your husband… but not actual pounds!
DAY 1 – THE OPTOMIST
• Breakfast: Greek yogurt with chia seeds. Because today, you’re being healthy.
• 10am: Hot flush. Rip off your bra. Eat 3 KitKats in the kitchen while sweating like a busted radiator.
• Lunch: Salad. Add avocado. Feel smug.
• 2pm: Husband says, “See, you just need willpower.” You black out. When you come to, you’re standing over his body holding a pastry fork and shaking like a shitting dog
• Dinner: Pasta. Family-size. You “accidentally” ate it all.
• Late Night: Whisper-crying into a packet of Jaffa Cakes you swore you wouldn’t buy.
DAY 2 – THE PROFESSIONAL DIETER
• Breakfast: Black coffee. Protein shake. You’re hardcore. You’re basically Gwyneth Paltrow.
• 11am: Your uterus screams: “F*** this smoothie.” You eat a bacon sandwich the size of your head.
• Lunch: Soup. Husband asks, “Is that all you’re eating?” You hiss like a cornered feral badger
• Snack: Six Babybels. Peel the wax off with rage. Wonder if it counts as “iron intake.”
• Dinner: Steak. Mashed potato. Half a bottle of Malbec. Husband suggests “portion control.” He’s now portioned into several black bags.
• Bedtime: Lie awake, bloated, Googling “does rage burn calories?”
DAY 3 – THE CLEANSE
• Breakfast: Hot water with lemon. (Kill me now.)
• Mid-Morning: Fart so violently you scare the cat. Lemon water isn’t food, it’s punishment.
• Lunch: Quinoa bowl. Tastes like sad bird seed. Cry into it.
• Snack: Husband walks in chewing crisps. You take the bag, empty it into your bra, and eat them in the loo while sobbing.
• Dinner: Cauliflower rice “stir-fry.” House now smells like Satan’s farts. Family orders Domino’s. You eat half of theirs too.
• Evening: Whisper-pray that Deliveroo adds “HRT & Wine” as a category.
DAY 4 – THE RELAPSE
• Breakfast: Three slices of leftover pizza eaten cold, standing at the fridge in your pants. No regrets.
• Lunch: Sausage roll. Two sausage rolls. Okay, fine… four sausage rolls.
• Snack: Husband says, “Thought you were on a diet?” You roar like a banshee and threaten to set fire to his golf clubs.
• Dinner: A bottle of Prosecco and a family-size bar of Dairy Milk. Dinner of champions.
• Evening: Google “is it possible to actually combust from hot flushes?”
DAY 5 – THE ACCEPTANCE
• Breakfast: Croissant. Coffee. Side of “I don’t give a Fuck.”
• Lunch: Burger with extra cheese. Chips. Yes, I will have dessert. Fight me.
• Snack: Bottle of rosé. Straight from the fridge.
• Dinner: “Healthy stir-fry” … cooked in butter the size of a toddler’s fist.
• Snack: Whatever isn’t nailed down. Husband looks nervous. Rightly so.
• Late Night: Husband whispers, “We should try keto.” You draft his obituary.
5 DAY RESULTS:
• Weight lost: 0 lbs
• Self-respect lost: 100%
• Husbands lost: At least one.
• Calories burned: Only from rage and night sweats.
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