Fellas, listen carefully. Menopause is not a spectator sport. You don’t get to sit in the stands eating crisps while she sweats, cries, and plots your murder. You are on the pitch. And if you value your balls, here are ten things you should never, EVER say or do.
1. “Calm down.”
This is the nuclear button of phrases. The moment those words leave your lips, your life flashes before your eyes. She’s not “calm,” Dave. She’s one eyebrow twitch away from removing your spleen with a teaspoon.
2. “Are you on your period?”
No, mate. You’re on her nerves. And if you keep asking stupid questions, you’ll be on life support.
3. Touching the thermostat.
If she’s just had a hot flush, let her strip down like she’s auditioning for Magic Mike. DO. NOT. TOUCH. THE. DIAL. That’s not central heating anymore. That’s an intensive care unit for her sanity. You flick that switch, you’re flicking off your right to live indoors.
4. “You’re imagining it.”
Yes, she imagined the chin hairs, the night sweats, and the fact your snoring makes her Google “pillow smothering techniques” at 3am. Keep it up, and the only thing she’ll be imagining is your obituary.
5. Suggesting sex like you’re ordering takeaway.
“Fancy a quick one?” Not unless it comes with garlic bread, Netflix, and a fan blowing like a Messerschmitt taking off. If you want her in the mood, hoover. Naked. Trust me – that’s the new foreplay now. (but no guarantees it will work!)
6. Leaving crumbs on the counter.
Pre-menopause, crumbs were annoying. Post-menopause, crumbs are grounds for homicide. She doesn’t want your “sorry babe,” she wants a clean surface and your body in a shallow grave.
7. “My mum never complained.”
Yeah, and your dad’s still missing, isn’t he Dave – probably under the patio? Exactly. Shut the Fuck up.
8. Commenting on her weight.
Never, EVER, in this life or the next, mention the words “muffin top,” unless you want your testicles turned into actual muffins and served warm with jam.
9. Offering “helpful” remedies.
“Have you tried turmeric? Maybe goat yoga?”
No, Dave. Turmeric won’t stop her wanting to rip your face off. What will help? You doing the washing-up without her asking. And goat yoga? The only goat she wants near her is one delivering wine and chocolate.
10. “It can’t be that bad.”
This isn’t man-flu, sunshine. This is hormonal Armageddon. If you bled every month for 40 years and then your hormones quit like pissed-off wasps, you’d be in the foetal position crying over a Galaxy Ripple too.
So Fella’s, Treat menopause like a nuclear facility. Handle with care. Wear protective equipment. And for God’s sake, don’t ever say, “You’ve changed.” Yes, she’s changed. She’s changed into someone who’ll stab you with a salad fork for looking at her funny.
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